The Anguish

It's been 5 weeks now since Bella became our legal daughter. I was not prepared for this wait of her birth certificate. In the average normal time frames, we would have most likely traveled this week to bring her home. My heart is heavy, sleep is difficult and my energy low. It has taken every bit of extra energy I have to fight the enemy's lies of out my head. Yet I choose to press on and live by faith....God is bigger, He is faithful, just and merciful. He is quick to perform His Word. Most importantly, He is not only my Advocate, but my daughters.

This evening, I tossed and turned for hours, breaking down in tears over the hurt of missing my daughter. It's been almost 6 months since I have held her, kissed her cheeks, smelled her sweet head, seen her precious face. It's a separation that has been difficult, but at this point, "feels" unbearable. Yet in my moment of thrashing in my bed, trying to make sense of things, praying and believing for His victory, the scripture of Jesus' night in the garden before His death came to mind. I quickly jumped out of bed to grab my bible and I ready every passage of that moment in all four gospels. "My Father, if it is possible, do not give me this cup of suffering. But do what you want, not what I want." Oh how I desire to have the strength to say these Words. How desperately I want this to be about God....and not about me. I was humbled and overwhelmed by the passage. Its one I have heard many times. But tonight, as I sit in my own "anguish", I am reminded of the one who paid the price so that I would not have to experience it.

I read on to read His words shortly before His death "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me". And hit me.....His heavenly Father had to literally turn His back on His own son so that my life could be redeemed and His power upon me. Jesus was literally separated from His Father and after a lifetime on earth of walking with His Father, he would be separated from Him permanently at the most critical and painful moment of His life. He was alone....when He prayed in the Garden, He was alone....when He was beaten and stripped of His dignity, he stood alone, when He was nailed to the cross....alone. And through His death and resurrection, I walk in Victory....and alone, separated from God, is not part of my history, my life, my journey.

Adoption has absolutely been the greatest test of faith for myself and my family thus far, but it has also been the greatest joy. And although my heart hurts, I know that this is a but a time, and I am absolutely not alone. There is no anguish for me, for I have the authority in Him to claim victory and Bella will be home. But it certainly put things in to perspective for me this evening. And I am humbled, grateful and awed again by the presence of His grace. I sit in His wing tonight, and take comfort in knowing that "all is well". Through Him, In Him....she is home!