Our life is nothing short of an adventure...

Wind in our hair and screams of delight but also unpredictable turns and unknown outcomes. We are a family of six; Dave, Susie, Nate, Jake, Sam, and Bella.

God has been faithful in our marriage and through the birth and blessings of our boys.

God has been faithful during our adoption journey and united Bella with us in May of 2008. We were privileged to visit with Bella's birth mother; therefore, Bella's family in Guatemala will always be dear to our hearts.

On October 16, 2008, Bella was diagnosed with ALL Leukemia. We are now battling the disease with 2 years and 3 months of treatment. We believe God will continue to be faithful!

Our family is committed to living life to the fullest...even on the hard days. Thank you for checking in and journeying with us!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

The Anguish

It's been 5 weeks now since Bella became our legal daughter. I was not prepared for this wait of her birth certificate. In the average normal time frames, we would have most likely traveled this week to bring her home. My heart is heavy, sleep is difficult and my energy low. It has taken every bit of extra energy I have to fight the enemy's lies of out my head. Yet I choose to press on and live by faith....God is bigger, He is faithful, just and merciful. He is quick to perform His Word. Most importantly, He is not only my Advocate, but my daughters.

This evening, I tossed and turned for hours, breaking down in tears over the hurt of missing my daughter. It's been almost 6 months since I have held her, kissed her cheeks, smelled her sweet head, seen her precious face. It's a separation that has been difficult, but at this point, "feels" unbearable. Yet in my moment of thrashing in my bed, trying to make sense of things, praying and believing for His victory, the scripture of Jesus' night in the garden before His death came to mind. I quickly jumped out of bed to grab my bible and I ready every passage of that moment in all four gospels. "My Father, if it is possible, do not give me this cup of suffering. But do what you want, not what I want." Oh how I desire to have the strength to say these Words. How desperately I want this to be about God....and not about me. I was humbled and overwhelmed by the passage. Its one I have heard many times. But tonight, as I sit in my own "anguish", I am reminded of the one who paid the price so that I would not have to experience it.

I read on to read His words shortly before His death "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me". And hit me.....His heavenly Father had to literally turn His back on His own son so that my life could be redeemed and His power upon me. Jesus was literally separated from His Father and after a lifetime on earth of walking with His Father, he would be separated from Him permanently at the most critical and painful moment of His life. He was alone....when He prayed in the Garden, He was alone....when He was beaten and stripped of His dignity, he stood alone, when He was nailed to the cross....alone. And through His death and resurrection, I walk in Victory....and alone, separated from God, is not part of my history, my life, my journey.

Adoption has absolutely been the greatest test of faith for myself and my family thus far, but it has also been the greatest joy. And although my heart hurts, I know that this is a but a time, and I am absolutely not alone. There is no anguish for me, for I have the authority in Him to claim victory and Bella will be home. But it certainly put things in to perspective for me this evening. And I am humbled, grateful and awed again by the presence of His grace. I sit in His wing tonight, and take comfort in knowing that "all is well". Through Him, In Him....she is home!


Auntie G said...

I am in prayer for you constantly. I am so glad that you know you are not alone in this journey. I don't know how others go through this without God.

Donnie, Cheri, Brock, Alex, Logan....Coming Soon Malaena-Sloan said...

Susie...Again, your words were so inspirational. Thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts as the words are guidance for me. I am so thankful for you, my new northern friend! You are a blessing and Bella will be home very soon. Love in Christ, cheri

Pam L said...

I pray that God will continue to wrap you in his arms and let you feel his love and strength. This is such a rough road, but God will see us through.
In prayer daily for the workers at the Civil Registry in Mixco. We'll be joining the wait soon enough.

demp5 said...

Anyone who reads your words can see your growth and strength. As you know, this process is about so much more than a baby. I am praying for you and the birth certificate. Thank you for inspiring and encouraging others.

The Jeltemas said...

Susie your words are always so truly inspirational. I am in awe of how God weaves his way through your thoughts an on to this paper, this blog, to inspire so many. Thank you for sharing your heart and your journey with your God. We love you.